“I love him, but I’m scared of him…”
Dialectical Holding: How Two Conflicting Truths Can Empower You
Survivors of narcissistic abuse often feel torn: “I love my partner, but I’m scared of them.” These conflicting truths can create self-doubt, confusion, and cognitive dissonance — the uncomfortable internal feeling that results from seemingly conflicting information. Dialectical holding is a coping skill that validates both sides at once — unlocking a path forward.
Why it works:
Neurologically: Engages the prefrontal cortex for problem-solving and logical thinking.
Psychologically: Lets you honor multiple truths without guilt.
Logistically: Gives more clarity to make decisions.
Practically: Expands your resources for resolving issues.
Interpersonally: Shields you from manipulative guilt-trips like “But I thought you loved me.”
How to practice it:
Compare the difference between:
“I love my partner, but I’m scared of them”
“I love my partner, AND I’m scared of them”
The second phrasing acknowledges complexity without forcing a single “truth,” keeping you empowered to navigate your feelings safely. This opens up resources in recovery and also empowers the survivor to be less easily manipulated.
Narcissists will often try to control survivors’ responses by using cognitive dissonance to force a choice. For example, “But I thought you loved me?!” is a common narcissistic response when confronted with feedback. This understandably creates cognitive dissonance in the survivor and may lead the survivor to backtrack, rescind or apologize.
Survivors who have mastered the skill of dialectical holding, however, know that both statements can be equally true at the same time, rendering them less vulnerable to these types of manipulation tactics.
Go deeper at with The Neuroscience of Narcissistic Abuse Coping Kit — ECSNAR